Well, it took our agency 2 months to deliver our gift to "C". Yup, they are located less than 5 minutes from her house and it took 2 months. But then on my birthday, we received an email and a picture from "C." Sweet chubby fingers.
In those 2 months, we tried to move on. We were reminded of her every step of the way. On one occasion, while painting pottery with Corbin, he asked me to paint a plate for him to eat his birthday cake off of each year. The example plate sitting on top was nothing short of shocking.
On another occasion, Richard and I were in a store I have bought make up in for 10 years, when an employee referred to someone else who worked there by "C's" name. When I asked her if that is what she said, she asked if it was a baby we were supposed to have. Lastly, I was asked to photograph a premie who was in Presbyterian Hospital. She had just been transferred from Winston Salem, so I was worried she was very sick. Upon arriving, I learned that the sweet baby had been adopted and was transferred to Charlotte because it was her forever home with her new adoptive family.
During this same time frame, we received several cases to review. Cases that were less than desirable. Mothers or agencies who seemed to know how to take advantage. One specific mother who had already been matched with a family and was "shopping" for more money. The only reason we knew this was because it just so happened that our consultant was the one who had matched her the first time. It was the final straw. And one day, Richard came home from work and said he just couldn't do it. The emotional and financial toll had been too big. We sat down and decided together that it wasn't meant for us to continue to try to adopt. We cashed out of our agency and told our consultant to no longer send us any cases.
After Hudson was born, we decided that having more children biologically was not what we were meant to do. We wanted 3 children and felt like our family was missing someone, but we really wanted to adopt. We had talked about it for years. So after Hudson was born, Richard had a vasectomy (sorry for the TMI). It took a few years, but we finally felt like the time was right to add to our family. That is when the discussion started to make sure we were making the right decision to adopt. We felt like having another child biologically felt selfish. We had been given two healthy, happy children and there are so many children who need a good home. We had the emotional, financial, and physical capabilities. But after the adoption failed, the conversation changed. If we tried again and the adoption failed again, we wouldn't have the money to try again or to reverse Richard's vasectomy. And with the way that we were feeling about the adoption. We decided to reverse his vasectomy. I had my hormones tested first to make sure it wouldn't all be for nothing and I also started seeing an acupuncturist because my body was still a little mad about the failure ;-)
Not many people understand, but for me, the day of Richard's procedure was harder than the day "C" changed her mind. The doctor did not have very nice bedside manner. He showed up 3 hours late and before he said anything else, he looked at Richard and said, "I hope you told her it's only a 50/50 chance this will get her pregnant." I then sat in the waiting room by myself for 2 hours hoping that Richard was ok. It really was not a big deal, but he had never been put under anesthesia before and it felt like grieving the adoption. I had envisioned her changing her mind. I braced myself for it. I didn't brace myself for this. In that moment, there was no turning back. We couldn't afford to adopt again, so if we were on the wrong side of the 50/50, it would suck. After a little over 2 hours, they came to get me. Richard was fine...he was pretty sick...but he was fine. The procedure went well and it was just a waiting game. It could take 3-12 months for it to work. "Fingers crossed" was the last thing the doctor said to me.
In the meantime, we decided to paint over the nursery. It was a shrine. A constant reminder. So instead of painting over it for any sad reasons, we decided to upgrade my studio. It made so much sense...the room had a full bathroom for mom to use during the session and a walk in closet for all my props. So we said goodbye to our pretty purple room and hello to all the possibilities of our future. Another tough day.
Well......I am so excited to announce that just a month after Richard took one for the team, we got some very happy news. Because we came out on the good side of 50/50!!
Yes ma'am!! Baby bump #3 is on its way and due on June 2 :-) We got to see that sweet lil heartbeat and are accepting all prayers and good vibes that the baby grows and is healthy :-) We have had a few of the normal questions, so we thought we'd answer them first :-)
1. No it's not my first. It's my third. (Insert obnoxious response...wow, yikes, holy crap, etc.) ;-)
2. We did not try for a girl. We didn't ask for a girl with the adoption. It just ended up that way. I love the idea of three little musketeers. Brays only make boys. And that's ok with me :-) We speak boy. I've been known to make my friends' little girls cry and have no idea how. Either way, we will be over the moon.
3. If by some crazy chance Richard made a girl, I have no idea if we will name her Eden. Part of me can't imagine calling her Eden and part of me can't imagine not calling her Eden. We'll cross the bridge if we come to it. Corbin has decided the baby is a girl and he will name her Samantha. He wants to call her Sammie. Maybe we'll grant him that wish.
4. Yes the boys know. I suck at secrets and we strongly believe in them being a part of decisions that affect their family. They are so excited. Hudson shares his blankie with my belly all the time and talks about how he will kiss his baby brother forever. He wants a brother, so he can teach him how to play sports the way Corbin has taught him.
I know that when you open up a piece of your life, you are subject to judgment. And while we have been on the receiving end of some judgement in the past few months, it doesn't come close to the amount of support and love we've received from so many awesome people. We hope by telling all the details of our journey thus far will help someone take that next step, as hard as it may be, when things don't turn out the way you had envisioned. Cause when one door closes, God opens up another. You just have to be brave enough to walk through it. Thanks for pulling me through, Ricky Ricardo...I love you!
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